Letting Go is Not Giving Up, Settling is Not Letting Go

This post was inspired by a recent conversation I had with a close friend about learning to let go and trust that we won’t end up settling.At the moment of our conversation I said what came to my mind trying to bring some perspective and bounce off ideas of each other. However, as the hours passed and I got into a more meditative state where I could clearly hear my thoughts and listen to my Higher Self and my Guides more, things kept popping up for me as well as the need to write them.

We all hear about "letting go" and it is true that in some cases doing that feels like giving up, which is definitely not the same thing! But settling for something that seems ok, or is what everyone tells us to do/be is not trusting and letting go either.Most of us have heard that life isn't easy, that you have to work hard for what you want, that everyone has to grow up at some point, that we all have to do things we don't like because that's what life is, etc… Lies! All lies! That's the illusion and the fear talking, don't give into that. The system is broken and in serious need of a reboot, the only way to do that is by being your higher, most authentic self and allow yourself to go for what makes you really happy. Most people in the system eventually get tired of seemingly going against the current by pursuing childhood dreams and they settle, they get a job and find some romantic partner to get entangled with and accept that that's their "fate" ‘cuz everyone else is doing it. Most people are not truly happy, deep, deep down there's a voice screaming at them, letting them know it's not right but they drown it with substances like alcohol or mindless activities and think that's the highest level of happiness they can get. Others are so good at lying to themselves that genuinely feel they haven't settled even when the Universe keeps yelling at them and throwing curveballs their way (in the form of “random accidents, health issues or bad luck”) to wake up and change courses before it's too late. Still, even when not really happy and fulfilled people hold on tight to their fears, prejudices and judgements, not letting life happen for fear of the unknown. Life is really not meant to be hard or complicated and we didn't come here to suffer, work or be what everyone else wants us to be. We came here to break away from the duality, learn to be love for ourselves and others and just enjoy what is like to have a physical form, without unhealthy attachments and entanglements!

From my level of understanding and how I experienced them all here’s how I see the difference between fighting against, giving up, settling and letting go:

-Fighting against life, is when you put yourself in victim mode, trying with all your might to go against the current unwilling to accept your responsibility as co-creator of your reality and not realizing you manifested your current situation. It is being unwilling to learn the lessons and see the beauty of what you have and therefore being unwilling to make the best with what is being presented to you at the moment to bring forth the outcome you actually want. If we were in an ocean here’s where we kick and scream in a frenzy making our situation worst and we choke on salt water.

-Giving up, just as fighting, is rooted in fear. Giving up usually comes from being exhausted of fighting too much and you end up in a hopeless place where you can’t hear the Universe at all and are unwilling to even put a positive thought forward on your behalf. Instead of realizing we can float or swim with a purpose we begin to drown and let it happen.

-Settling happens again, when we take a lack of responsibility as co-creators of our reality. Being unwilling to believe or unaware of your own powers of manifestation you create a lack of trust. So you don’t really want to drown, but you are believing the lies that life is hard and no one is truly happy, and as you look around your ocean you see people drowning or half drowned and figure “you know? Who cares if I had dreams of something better or if I deserve something nicer than a large piece of rotting driftwood? At least I’m in the same shape or better off than everyone around me”. Settling is loving yourself barely enough to keep yourself afloat, but not enough to go after the things your heart and soul really want. Settling is easy to fall into because it requires very little responsibility and effort on our part.

-Letting Go on the other hand is rooted in Love, Light and Trust. It’s realizing that you’re caught in the tide and even though it is scary at times and everyone around you is madly scrambling for each other or every piece of ugly driftwood and screaming at you to do the same you don’t. You trust that the ocean will keep you buoyant, you let go of people’s expectations of you and of your own preconceptions and float. Letting go it’s smoothly floating knowing that the current will lead you to an amazing place and you don’t have to waste your energy kicking and screaming to get there or avoid it because that’s where you’re meant to go anyway. And in the process you can enjoy the water and the pretty fish and learn from obstacles that might come your way making you stronger and wiser by the time you reach your paradise so you’re ready to enjoy it. 

The best personal example I can give is of the time I had cancer. When you hear you only have 2 days to live it’s a pretty shocking situation and it’s easy to be swept away by fear and listen to the lies (note that I'm not saying people lie on purpose, they are surrounded by so much fear and a mentality of lack that they truly believe all the negativity) of society, and in this case health professionals. But once the shock passed and I committed to stay on the planet, things (physical pain aside) were not that bad. If I had given up I would have died 2 days later and that would have been it. I could have fought my situation and cry all day feeling sorry for myself and complaining about how unfair it was and blame everything but myself and refuse to accept the lessons and blessings that came with it. (You can read all about those here.) I had little energy in those days and wasting it fighting against my condition would not have made me healthier so why even bother? The next option would have been to settle. “Oh this is my life and I’ll go along with what the doctors say, even if my intuition tells me otherwise, and I’ll accept that at least for the next 5 years this will be my life in and out of hospitals.” That would have been awful, who wants that? And yet, lots of people choose that. It's all a matter of choice.
I Instead let go of people’s opinions, fears from others and my own, as well as any need to control life. I peacefully floated, and yes chemo and hospitals were my reality at the moment, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t spend my time making plans with my family about trips we would take when I felt ok, nor did that reality stopped me from taking online classes from the chemo chair to better myself and to actually feel happy; I had new camera equipment I was dying to try out and kept focusing on the times when I would be out of the cancer center and strong enough to lug my camera around again. I let go of doctors opinions and prognosis and lived day by day letting go of expectations of the future but also kept showing the universe what I really wanted. 

I guess in the end letting go just means let go of the ego so you can trust and listen to your intuition and no one else. Let go of expectations and time lines but never of dreams and expectancy of something good or better coming your way.

Here are some other examples that kept coming to mind:

When I was going through chemo my mom slipped on ice and had a triple fracture on her left foot. People immediately went to "that's terrible luck, those poor people,” but in fact it was perfectly meant to be. It was something serious and painful enough to get my mom's attention to slow down and take care of herself and not just me before her health was seriously jeopardized, but it wan't bad enough that we were helpless. It was her left food which even meant she could keep driving me to the doctor! If she had listened to the "bad luck" believers she could easily had given up and wallow and make things harder for both of us, she could also have settled for "this is my lot in life and bad things happen for no reason and who knows if my foot will fully heal.” Or she could let go of her need to control everything and listen to the lesson. It was hard for her to do, especially with everything that was happening but she got there, she didn't believe the lies out of fear of age, life's suffering or bad luck, she also didn't fight against life she let go and now we're both perfect!

Now talking about recent events, a few weeks ago I was in a situation where I kept fighting for a specific outcome. I kept investing all this energy into something I thought I really wanted even though I was miserable doing so. I got so tired once I realized that I had been fighting for it for years and getting nowhere that I decided to give up. 

I was so tired and hurt and angry and fearful of other alternatives that I decided I was giving up for good this time, and if that hurt my future self or threw away all the good from the past then so be it! I just wanted to be free. 

I was in this process of trying to give up from a lower vibrational place, which felt like ripping the proverbial bandaid, painful and slow as this particular bandaid seemed to be embedded in my skin, that I was blind and deaf to my Guides and Angels. Then somewhere along the miserable process of drowning I got this beautiful lesson of "Whatever you're ready for is ready for you.” Which means that if something isn't happening how you want it to, it's probably because a part of us isn't ready for it!

Immediately my mindset shifted, I got a sense of peace as understanding dawned on me, it wasn't a new understanding just something I had forgotten but still felt like I had just discovered Light. If something's meant to be it will be no matter how much I struggle towards it or against it, if it's not meant to be, then there's a reason for that and my struggles won't matter there either.

If I'm not ready for the outcome I thought I wanted I can't force it, the best thing to do is let go of all these preconceptions in my mind, let go of my need to control the big picture I have no way of seeing from my human perspective, and trust that the Universe knows what it's doing. Settling for less than I wanted as long as it was loosely related to my desired outcome even though it's not truly making me happy, and on the contrary is really hurting me, is not an option, but giving up on everything is not an option either. Letting go, knowing that things will be what they are meant to be, in their right time and when I'm ready is by far the best choice and the one that is peaceful and full of Light.

On the other hand I have (or had?) A dear friend who seems to have been worn down by family and society's expectations. She's always putting others first instead of herself, which is a sign of the beautiful, generous person she is inside but also of her lower self-esteem, and she now settled into a relationship her family approved of. Since things got more serious between her and this person a string of "bad luck" keeps happening to her. Of course, as co-creators of our own life there's no such thing as bad luck. Everything that happens is FOR us not TO us, the trick is to stop and really listen to the signs. She hasn't and though she claims to be really happy, from the outside it doesn't look like it and more signs keep being thrown at her by the Universe that keep being ignored. She didn't let go and didn't trust she deserved and could do better, she gave up on finding a better spot for herself in the world and settled. And not only does she seem to be unknowingly trapped in this situation, these signs from the Universe are not fun to go through if you don't listen and have brought her a lot of stress, lack of abundance and worse yet, physical and emotional pain.

So don’t fight life, but don’t settle either. It’s never too late to switch things completely, and life isn’t hard. Even simple things like visualization or constantly talking about your new passion is telling the Universe in a positive and affirmative tone where you want to go and what you want to do. Put your best intentions forward and don’t limit yourself to “I have to pay the bills” or “my parents want me to be a doctor” or “everyone is getting married so I must too.” Go for the dreams and life missions your soul and your inner or past child told you to go for. It requires a lot of courage sometimes to ignore programing that has been there for generations but be brave and figure out which "ocean wave" will probably take you closer to your highest dreams and then just float... Life is easy if you let it and it doesn’t have to be less than you deserve. Enjoy your life, live in the moment, never settle no matter what people tell you but don't give up either, letting go doesn't mean you don't pursue your dreams it just means you trust you deserve them and the Universe knows the best way to get you to them. 😉

All Images are property of Elizabeth Harper from Sealed with Love

Recent Creative Developments

After my recent, rather lengthy, previous posts, I'm gonna try to make this one a bit shorter and just give you the highlights of my recent creative life. Just to keep everyone updated and mostly to try and hold myself accountable. So here it is!

As I mentioned on my previous post, my contract with Agora Gallery ended this March and I chose not to continue being represented by them due to their lack of sales of my work, despite the interest shown by the public during my November show. Fortunately enough I got approached by another Chelsea gallery earlier this year that wants to represent me. They seem to work differently than Agora and my images wouldn't be restricted under contract which is great, they also promised to be very focused on artists' sales and museum networking which sounds super promising. Unfortunately the way galleries work is that you have to pay upfront for representation, PR, printing material, etc and then you hopefully get reimbursed, ideally with profit through the sales of your work. As of now I'm waiting for the green light from the Universe to let me know when the time is right to pay for my next representation contract, hopefully one way or another my own art will pay for my this as was the plan all along. Meanwhile, I let the new gallery director know about my situation and not only was she extremely understanding, but she gave me an open invite. Whenever I'm ready all I have to do is fill out the paper work I already have and I'm in! Which is very exciting! So even though I have no active gallery right now, I will soon be back in NY😀
For the moment I still have some online representation through ART UpCLOSE and you can see my work with them here.

On completely different news, I opened a zazzle store over a year ago and then decided I didn't quite like it so I never truly advertised it and eventually I completely forgot it existed. But as a wonderful sign of abundance, a couple months ago at exactly 2:22pm the once forgotten zazzle store made it's first sale! So I revived it and have slowly been starting to add more products. It still has a long way to go from what it could be, but it is alive now and hopefully after I'm all packed/moved-out, I'll be able to dedicate some serious time into my designs there. In the Meantime you can check out what I have so far here 😊
After "resurrecting" my zazzle store my brain started working on new ideas again and thanks to inspiration I got for a gift for my otspsecretsister, I got back to making illustrations. Which btw I forgot how fun they could be! Anyway the illustration I made for my secret sis can now be purchased as a print of the original artwork on my etsy or as a mug or magnet on my zazzle!

Getting to work on my e-stores again got my inspiration flowing and I now plan to create a line of illustrations and products for both stores exclusively to help save the vaquita on the second half of the year and into 2018! 50% of my profits will be donated to this worthy cause and after vaquita I plan to create a whole line of art, in any medium that inspiration strikes to help other endangered species. I'm super excited about this 😄.

Meanwhile, I've been practicing purposefully opening up more to the infinite abundance of the Universe through my art, and entering all sorts of different contests and juried open calls. Even if I don't win, it's good practice because I am letting the Universe know that I am willing and open to receive and by doing so I might even get unexpected exposure out of it.
The contests I'm most invested in now are, as I mentioned on my previous post, with NatGeo and the WWF. The WWF offers different prizes including photo expeditions to see animals in the wild which is my dream! And the people's choice award is a trip to see polar bears!! But for this I need your help, I need your vote daily for any or all of my following images:

http://dailywildlifephoto.nathab.com/contests/2-2017-wildlife-photo-contest/photos/6599-puffin-rock

http://dailywildlifephoto.nathab.com/contests/2-2017-wildlife-photo-contest/photos/6598-into-the-eyes-of-our-cousin

http://dailywildlifephoto.nathab.com/contests/2-2017-wildlife-photo-contest/photos/6597-the-face-of-innocence-2017

I know it's a bit of a pain, but every time you vote, even if it's a 100 times, you get entered to win a $500 gift card, so the more you vote the better your chances of winning also! Voting goes through the end of the month and any votes are greatly appreciated💗


Lastly here's my random bit of information. This year I taught myself how to quill. I've always been so fascinated by quilled cards or art so I thought it was about time I learned. It's simpler than I expected by looking at the finished art but it takes a lot longer than I could ever have imagined! For now I'm focusing my practicing efforts on cards for friends and family but I hope to eventually be able to offer some cards through my etsy. If you have any ideas of something you would like to see please let me know!

Those are all my latest creative news, keep a look out for new developments and products on my stores and remember to always consider supporting the artists in your life and conservation issues that speak to you!

Love and Light🌟
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Life in Between Adventures

Wow June already! How can that be? Anyway, now that my big trip recaps are done, I can move on to "real life."
This half of the year has gone by so fast! And so much amongst nothingness has happened...
For weeks and weeks after the trip I felt like all I was doing was playing catch up with life that kept going on in town as I was, well, not in town. But at the same time it's almost as if all my mad scrambling made my perception of time stand still, February 6 was my January 1st ,so I kept thinking I had more time to do things or that it was earlier in the year than it actually was. I kinda still feel that way, especially with the crazy weather we've been having. Weather up until May 31 was very early April, cold and wet, not May at all! Which only helped reinforced my non-calendar perception of time and whenever I look at the "label" of the month I still freak out.
After realizing how much time I had "less," I started getting this feeling that lasted a long time, like I was floundering. I had taken time off school, I am in between galleries, I have no real social life at the moment, I haven't created much for my stores and I'm even behind on my reading challenge, granted that is because I couldn't do a lot of these things while traveling but still, floundering!

                                                I kept going from this -----------------------------------> to this! 

But then it recently dawn on me, all that external "nothingness," or rather, stillness was because I needed that time to myself because a lot of things were happening inside. When life is too crazy we barely give ourselves permission to stop and process all of our emotions. Sometimes we think we're ok or make ourselves believe we've grieved a loss enough and try to move on without truly processing. We fill our calendars and planners and are always looking at tomorrow but we're hardly ever in the today. Living in the present moment was one of the biggest lessons I got from my whole cancer experience and I cannot afford to forget those valuable lessons.
Most of the times when we don't have time to decompress, process, learn and seriously look inside ourselves at what is working and what isn't, it comes back to bite us in the butt. After all, about 90% of all physical ailments are emotional.
So sometimes floundering and being a hermit is more than ok. Sometimes it is necessary to go back to those times when we answered "nothing" to the question "what are you doing?" and actually meant it.

My time of doing nothing matched perfectly with the season and it is a beautiful energetic synchronicity. With the Winter solstice our energies shift from outward to inward, it is the time to "hibernate," take it slow, be by ourselves and look into our shadow self so we can heal it and let the Light of Spring in! Half of this energetic time I spent on a long crazy fun adventure, which makes sense that the Universe will then make up for it by making it stretch into Spring, especially since it's been a very cold, gray Spring. The outside world always reflects our inside one.

My biggest call of attention that I should be focusing inwards was by developing some weird pox-looking hives we couldn't figure out the reason for. But that forced me to look at my whole  emotional and energetic state at the time. Hives among other things develop out of an abandonment-anxiety or a feeling of being treated poorly and unjustly that is not corrected because of a fear of loss. Perfectly enough the first hives developed right on my birthday. How amazing is that? A new cycle of existence was starting and my own body did not permit me to drag stuff from the past into it, it forced me to look into things, bring them to the Light and start healing from the source even though it was a couple months of hard work and a maddening itch. One of the biggest things the hives, along with other minor health symptoms I've had throughout these months, have helped me find, was a very painful relationship that was/is still hurting me. I thought I had mourned it years ago but turns out I just got used to living with the pain, digging deep enough I found I'm still as hurt as I was the first day, so I've been working on healing all those aspects of myself. Allergies were also very present during these times and those are usually a manifestation of some suppressed grief, so I've been working on letting those feelings out, of actually feeling these waves of emotions and rolling with it as well as cleansing and detoxing both physically and energetically. Things we keep in the shadows for long were there for a reason and making sure we are taking care of ourselves as they are dredged up it's super important to make sure they don't get re-stuck on our systems.

Throughout this process I  also got more clarity on what I want out of friendships, out of school and even out of my e-stores.
I've been learning to talk more clearly with the Universe to co-create the things I really want, I've been learning to reshape my words to always attract and leave positivity, though that one is more of a challenge, I've been learning to communicate better with my body and practice self love, which is extremely hard for me, and I've been learning to enjoy the nothingness.
When people ask you what you do and you don't immediately answer with school or a job, preferably one you don't like, people always say "oh so you don't do anything," and you know what? Even if that was the case, then good for you! There's nothing wrong with not doing anything and letting the Universe and the Light fill you up and take care of you, but working on yourself, trying to raise your vibration, making yourself healthier and therefore bringing all those close to you higher on the vibrational scale along with you is a full time job, it requires a lot on your part and it is a lot of the times a lot more important than being in sync with the system...

Another thing I got clarity on was where I want my art to go, I got a new gallery offer (more on that later) but more importantly as I floundered and drifted I found several photo contests I applied to, a couple with the WWF and Nat Geo and doing this not only helped me practice opening up to receiving abundance but also clicked with a part of me that had been ignored for the longest time. When I was little I used to draw cards and "buttons" with animals on them and sell them out of my garage to people passing by to be able to donate to the WWF, Greenpeace and other legit organizations that are helping animals. Conservation is HUGE to me and I kinda put it on the back burner to pursue a more "selfish" art for years. Which is ok, everything has a reason and a purpose but now I'm ready to return to my entrepreneurial 5 year old. I have some good ideas I hope to put into practice on the second half of the year to work more with and for endangered species and help animals closer to home as well 😃
I'm so excited about it, because I've long felt that usually what we dreamt of as little kids holds the truth to what we should be doing always 😉

Lastly, here's a nice full-circle story and big news I'm leaving you with. When I first moved into the apartment I'm at now, I had a very good friend that was perfect for me. She is older so she was able to help me with adult things like grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. But not that much older that she didn't want to play with me. So when my mom wasn't in town, I always had someone around I could trust and she became my unofficial roommate as she spent 4 out of 7 days in my place at some point. We had the best of times, and she got to see the apartment in its early days. After she graduated college she moved away and we slowly lost touch, we saw each other twice in some years I can't even count with my lack of time awareness. We still had each other's numbers and would text to say hi every few months but we didn't seem to connect beyond that. When I got cancer she offered to come see me before the holidays but my mom was so overwhelmed with family coming and chemo appointments, etc. that we asked her if she could postpone her visit 'till January 2015. She couldn't make it then and stuff kept getting in the way until this February. We reconnected when I went to see her in Pittsburgh on the January-February road trip and we realized we have even more in common now than before!
And a couple weeks after my visit to her town she told me she would be visiting me to celebrate my birthday for a week! It was awesome, it's like time hadn't passed at all and we had the best of times again. And talking with her in my living room like old times, it clicked. It all made sense, the Universe kept throwing stuff in our way because it wasn't the time for her to come, she came when things became full circle. I moved here with her constant presence and support and now that I'm moving out she came to close this particular cycle of my life. My social life and the most insightful times in this apartment started and now ended with her 💜
So I'm moving!!! It's so bittersweet, things with the building's current managing company are horrible and we cannot keep living with them and I have also overgrown the space, but this is the place I've lived the longest in my entire life and I loooooove it. I do understand it is perfect timing though, that the Universe has allowed me all this time to flounder, introspect, let go of old wounds and people that no longer resonate, to release old baggage and come full circle to say goodbye in the best possible note to home so I can start fresh in a new place!

On to bigger and better things! A new chapter is coming and the calm before the storm is about to be over! Haha. I'm planing to continue living in Salem, I refuse to let my zip-code go unless I'm moving out of New England, I love my town and I want to continue to be a part of Witch City! But while the place I have in mind becomes available, I'm living in the moment and open to the millions of wondrous possibilities and probabilities the Universe has planned for me!

* I'm redirecting all my mail to my mom's just to be safe during this transition period. So if you're reading this and you're a pen pal then get at me on social media for the new address 🙂

Heartbreak is Just Another Tool to be Better

At the beginning of the month I felt heartbroken by a bad let down and the absence of a certain person I was expecting to see for Halloween. After my initial reaction (pain and anger,) I realized I was tired of feeling this way. The pain was too familiar and after years of living with these disappointments, I think it’s time to end the vicious cycle. 

It’s so easy to get swept up in the currents of our lives and just react to what is happening as if it is being done TO us instead of FOR us, and I went with it for years but it just finally clicked. Except for those times when people pass away and we can’t help but miss them, all other forms of heartbreak have a lesson there. All this pain cannot be just because the Universe is against me or life hates me or a certain person is an insensitive, oblivious, emotional unavailable jerk! I mean, people might very well be all that, but the Universe is constantly conspiring in our favor and life is nothing more and nothing else than what we make of it, what we will it to be. And if I also remember that whatever a person does or says it’s a reflection of them and only them nothing to do with me, and everything I say or do and feel is a reflection of me ,then this situation should be fixable by me alone. 

So I decided to analyze why this pattern is so hurtful. Why does it always break my heart? What triggers me the most about these situations? And here’s a short list of what I’ve come up with in no particular order:

I’m never a priority

The person’s never here when I need them the most

Has no follow through

Cannot count on their word

Always has an excuse 

Takes no responsibility for their choices, at least regarding me

Blames life for how things work out

Says they want things they never work to get

Takes me for granted

Come and go as they please

Is emotionally unavailable

Never realizes how much they hurt me

Does not take my feelings into consideration

Disregards my time

Now that that is out of my system (and not saying that it hurts any less,) I can try to examine it more rationally and realize that a lot of what bothers me is a mirror of myself. I have put myself in situations where I’m not a priority even to myself. I have been guilty of taking the fact that I have an able body, my health, my 5 senses and some of the people that love me the most for granted. I have at least in the past, not taken responsibility whatsoever for my actions and choices and have blamed the entire Universe for things too. All these things might be so hurtful because a part of me recognizes them as pieces of my shadow self that haven’t been yet healed. 

Some other things on the list might be triggering the other side of the coin, they hurt not because they resonate with my shadow self, but because they’re supposed to. Without that pain I wouldn’t notice anything was wrong and I then wouldn’t strive to learn the lessons, to change things! 

I’ve heard we have no friends only teachers, which means that good or bad everything we experience because of others is something we can learn from. I also recently read that living with a soulmate is too painful, since they’re not here to complement us and make us happy in a romantic fantasy. They’re here to reflect back to us our flaws and broken pieces, to stir up the deepest shadows in us, the ones that hurt the most so we can face them and heal them. My heartbreak is just a tool, a way for me to know I’m alive and point to the things I have to work on.

My latest disappointment with this particular “teacher” happened earlier in the month, but it’s just the most recent out of years of going through a vicious cycle. Repetitive things like that in life almost always mean an unlearned lesson. It is something our soul in its infinite wisdom has called for and, instead of tackling it, learning what we need from it and moving on, we tend to just react, let ego take over and ignore what we could learn, so it keeps coming back again and again. 

I still haven’t found the lesson, but I know it’s important. The Universe is loudly letting me know I need to learn this now as it is happening again with my family not showing up for either my gallery show in a couple of weeks nor for the Holidays. Part of my vicious cycle when these things happen is to try to ignore it, put on a happy face and keep going. Halloween is such a fun, eventful and magical time of the year that it helped me not think about it, but the fact that life brought three almost identical situations, with very different people under very different circumstances makes me think that A) Being without a social or physically close family network is important right now for me and B) It is time I pay attention to these feelings and clear whatever it is I need to clear so it won’t happen again. 

It’s time for me to focus inward and stop trying to figure out what these other people are feeling or going through, whatever it is it is not about me, they’re lack of presence or commitment is not personal and I need to heal and learn for myself so I can move on to newer, hopefully less sad-feeling lessons…

All images come from Elizabeth Harper's Sealed with Love FB page

Trust

Hello everyone! Sorry I didn’t get to post sooner! July was incredibly busy and amazing!! Beyond any predictions I could have had and was so packed with different adventures, that I'm sure when I look back at it in years, it’ll probably make the list of one of the best summer months ever! But it wasn’t without its challenges, and the one lesson that kept up coming was TRUST. Which was very insightful since I thought my only predominantly recurrent lesson was patience haha.

Here's how the lesson presented itself in different forms through out my main adventures:

I started the month still at DisneyWorld with one of the most important members of my soul-family having a blast. But throughout our week of fun we had some communication issues and a recurrent theme of lack of trust, especially me towards him. We talked some issues through where he did mention I never trust him but we brushed most things under the rug so as to focus only on the fun. But as the time came to say goodbye I couldn’t help that familiar fear of the unknown from creeping into my heart. When were we gonna see each other again? Would he keep his word of not disappearing? What if the distance became too much to bare? Etc... These questions have always been there haunting me for years, but it wasn’t until this month that it clicked how much it is connected to trust issues! I need to learn to trust that it will all work out and that he will keep his word. Ghaa!! So hard! LOL

The second week of July I had to leave for a class field- trip to CT for a Native American museum. This is only about 2-3 hrs from my place and was supposed to be a one day thing. But the meeting point for my class was super far from me and I would have had to wake up dangerously (for me) early, so my mom decided to get us a room in the area and turn my class into a 2.5 days mini-adventure. Never being one to pass a trip of any kind I jumped on board knowing it was mostly about class and not driving without sleep. I'm still forever grateful and I'm SO lucky! Because as it turned out the class ended up being a bust :-/ The teacher was over an hour late! The whole group was already there but we couldn’t get in without our teacher since he had the tickets and group reservation. I then ended starving because as I was going to get a snack while we waited, our teacher showed up and decided to rush us so we could make it to an awesome-sounding seminar, but he got side-tracked, talked about things we had already covered in class and we missed the seminar and the local Tribe Chief cancelled on the rest of our activities because she was sick. At the end our trip only consisted of waiting outside the building and then wandering through certain areas of the museum :/ I was so upset at first and forgot again to TRUST the Universe to have my back. Thanks to this failed class trip, I got a super fun weekend away with my mom and because the class was a bust we were done earlier so I had more time to go out and take pictures which is my main art medium so yay! It was all for a reason, sometimes I still forget…

A week after that I went to a week-long retreat in upstate NY for intensive classes on Intuition and healing. And what’s the key source to develop those intuitive gifts? Thats right trust!! Every time during class I dismissed something or thought I had made it up and doubted my abilities I got things wrong (usually the thing I dismissed was the right answer,) but when I just went with it and removed the fear of looking stupid, I did excellent! That’s when I started to hear the Universe’s shouts for me to just trust, trust, trust! 

To make the lesson even clearer for me I got a chance to learn how to fly in a trapeze, and let me tell you it was the most absolutely horrifying thing I’ve ever done voluntarily! But I HAD to do it to get those pictures of a new experience hehe. Even though while I was up high leaning over the edge I truly regretted it. The whole thing was a giant trust-exercise. You have to trust that the people holding on to the ropes of the harness are not gonna let go, you have to trust your body will have the strength and balance to climb a 30ft high, rickety ladder; once you’re up you have to lean your entire weight out of the platform and trust the person behind you pushing your hips further forward really has you and can hold your weight, then you have to grab the bar and jump off into thin air, and to get down you simply let go of the bar trusting everything will be ok!! It’s super scary and like a girl there said on her first try “It just doesn’t seem natural to just let go and jump at the nothingness beneath you.” And it so doesn’t! But if that doesn’t show you to trust I don’t know what will. 

Apparently I only listen to what the Universe is trying to teach me through travel and crazy experiences :P But hey! How awesome is it that less than two years ago the doctors said I did not have more than two days to live and now I’m swinging on a trapeze?!

I’m still struggling with this lesson, I’ve heard it and I’m processing but bad habits are hard to break lol. When it hits me that my true, close, local friends are down to one it’s hard to trust more are on the way since I’m such an introvert, it’s hard to trust my body is working for me and will release all the chemo weight on bad days when I can’t find anything to wear, it’s hard to trust things will work out with a certain someone when he just goes MIA for weeks at a time! It’s hard to trust the Universe’s plans when I get a red light for submitting my art to certain things I’m excited about and pushed to finish projects that are overwhelming and yet I can feel that if I just let go and trust things will just fall not place, I wonder why it’s so hard?

And what could've triggered this lack of trust, maybe it's always been there hidden from the conscious mind and it's now being brought to the Light to be healed... I guess it's time for me to keep practicing jumping off the trapeze platform, how about you? <3

Image from Elizabeth Harper's Sealedwithlove.com

1 Year Celebration

This month was my 1 year anniversary since my last chemo!! Hooray!

I can't believe it's been a full year already. When I first started treatment I couldn't even fathom this day, I tried to imagine it but all my mind could come up with was not being poisoned anymore! At most I thought life would go back to what it was before, never could I have imagined what an amazing year I had in store :)

It takes at least a year for all the poison to leave your system. Doctors and nurses recommended not going back to "usual speed" for 18 months. My hair is still super short, I'm still struggling trying to lose the extra chemo-weight, my nails just this month started growing normally, I still don't have my full range of flexibility and strength back, the area where my port was still burns and hurts with certain movements and my cells are traumatized. For my body this year has been a loooooong journey, but it's starting to bare its fruits. For my mind the year went by in a whirlwind, and my Spirit has just been enjoying the ride haha.

But as a celebratory acknowledgement I decided to post a picture and short blurb significant experiences that happened each amazing month I've been alive and cancer-free! I hope it helps you remember that life is about the choices you make and it doesn't matter what doctors, experts or anyone else says, you do what's right for you at your own time <3 <3

-May 2015: 

 A friend of mine threw a Life Celebration party once I was well enough after the last treatment to go out. This was the first outing with a big group I had and it was awesome to have so many friends come to celebrate with me <3 a great first month indeed :)

-June 2015: 

 I was finally able to walk around my town with my friends and see the street art up close instead of through the car's window <3

- July 2015: 

 I got to go on a celebratory trip with my family to 8 different countries in Northern Europe including Russia! And it was one of the absolute best trips I've ever made, mostly because of how much love there was and all the family bonding that occurred <3 #lucky #blessed ;)

-August 2015:

 I came home from my trip in time to finally enjoy the music scene in town (and the gorgeous beach weather)! This was also the month I went to NYC with a group to celebrate a friend's bachelorette. There was a lot happening that month and I was strong enough to handle it woohoo!  

-September 2015: 

 This was the month I got a chance to meet new awesome people, including two iggles IRL :D (if you've read my previous posts about pen- palling you'll know what a huge thing this is for me!)

-October 2015: Halloween month! The best month of any regular year <3 

One of my closest friends and I were finally both healthy enough at the same time to go out and enjoy all the fun Fall activities in the area. I got to participate in a lot of Halloween related activities and meet lots of friends including the iggles again :)

-November 2015: 

 I was gifted by the Universe the chance to go on probably my most life-changing trip so far to Hawaii. This is where life clicked for me and I fell in love with the entire Universe <3 Shaka! This is also the month I unknowingly met my new teacher and was led to my new school.

-December 2015:

Another one of my uncles came to spend the Holidays with us and we just had some Xmas cheer at home. Not a usual thing in my family so it was very appreciated :)

-January 2016: 

 I started the new year in the mountains reconnecting with nature and healthy enough to start snow-shoeing for the first time ever! Also got an all clear from the doctors and got my check-ups much more spaced out and I started my first year of school :D

-February 2016: 

 Met a great new friend! Got to enjoy the beautiful winter festivities around town and got my port removed!! No more hospitals again! :D I was  also given the chance to patch things up with one of the most important souls in my life and celebrate my bday in Nature <3

-March 2016: 

 Life back to normal, going to concerts with my bestie, creating art and doing school work. I also signed with a Manhattan based gallery to represent my photography!! Such a great opportunity :)

-April 2016: 

And we've come full circle, started this month hanging out with my family and I'm ending it celebrating an absolutely amazing year of health! 

Life happened in between, had to do homework I didn't like, argued with people, lost friends, got injured, my apartment flooded, I got caught in the day to day stress of doing and getting things on time, there were days when I would get scared for my health again, put too much pressure on myself, etc... Life is just life, our choices, mind-set and believes are what create the reality we experience, but whatever you're choosing to create I just want to reming everyone and anyone who might be struggling or be scared about life post-chemo, it goes on! Things get better and you get to choose how to live it! 💜

Every day you're on this planet is not a blessing out of nowhere, it is a choice, what will you choose to create and manifest for your next amazing year? Whatever it is, if you get out of your head and believe it, it will happen! And always be willing and open to receive endless surprises and abundance from the universe, believe me it does happen.