2018 Struggles and Blessings

Hello all! I can't believe it's been this long since I posted anything and I apologize for my absence.
The past year and half has been filled with hard lessons that have kept me away.

I almost feel as if I should introduce myself again, or maybe not myself as I am the same 5-15 yr old bookish, Disney-loving child, only with a few more scars, but introduce where I'm at. Suffice it to say that I really struggled during the second half of 2017 only to move on to 2018 and have to fight for my life.

After having an amazing first half of 2017 full of travel and adventures, the first ones having their own posts here on my blog, followed by Disneyland, a short east coast rod trip and Disneyworld during the summer, I came back home to vacate my beloved apartment in Salem and selling my car 😢

Those Fall and Winter months of 2017 were really tough, forcing me to "adult" by having to work freelance everyday which was literally killing my soul, I felt sicker and sicker each day. And to make matters worst that December my grandpa, a very beloved and influential person in my life, died.
That is not to say that I didn't learn anything during the months of struggle or that hidden blessings didn't happen. One huge blessing, the last one from Grampy was getting almost the entire family together at the same place and time for the first time in many years and having the time to talk things through and repair relationships. I'm convinced you always have to look for those hidden blessings in every situation to help you learn the lesson the "bad times" bring.

But what I really want to talk about is 2018.

In February 2018 it was confirmed that my cancer was back, and this time with a vengeance. Lymphoma, Stage 4 spread to my lungs and liver.
I spent every day from February to September trying every alternative and holistic, natural treatment available to me, some with more effect than others but still none that would kill the cancer. Some seemed to slow it down and I'm sure some helped keep me alive long enough but unfortunately my body was so ravaged by the cancer nothing natural was able to kill it.
Slowly but surely every day I lost more and more of myself, from the ability to go on adventures and produce art to the ability to even go to the bathroom on my own.
By September 9 2018 I was so weak, filled with edema and my lungs were so unable to pull in enough air that I ended up in the ER. A couple of hours after arriving I felt my respiratory system stop and I lost all consciousness, thinking I was dead. I was transferred to the ICU that same night and I've been told medical staff didn't think I was gonna make it through the night. I thankfully and obviously did survive but I spent two months in the hospital with all sorts of tubes coming out of my body, enduring all sorts of physical and psychological torture. I spent the first two weeks in a sort of comma, the rest of the time I had what they call "hospitalarian delirium" and that kicked into gear the worst anxiety ever. By the end of my hospital stay I was cleared for outpatient treatment except for my mental health issues.

The Doctors assumed and tried preparing my mom, who never for a second left my side, for a really long hospital stay, warning her to forget about holidays and maybe 2019. I thankfully beat the odds and even though I did miss Halloween I was home in time for Thanksgiving which I was lucky enough to spend not only with my mom but with family as well.

I'm still fighting, I'm definitely not out of the woods yet. But I went from not being able to even move my head from side to side on my own in bed, to walking and doing almost everything on my own and normal again! I just had a treatment change to a more aggressive one since my last scan still showed a lot of active cancer and I'm suffering from side effects now more than from the cancer itself, but we're keeping positive and hopeful that this treatment, despite having a risk of having me in the hospital again for two weeks at the end, might cure me for Spring!

So 2018 was really hard, and I'm still trying to understand the lesson so this doesn't happen again. If you read my first cancer post on this blog you'll see how I thought I had learned everything I needed to put this behind me. Clearly I missed something important as not only did the lesson come back, it did so a lot harder to get my attention. I'm not gonna lie, I'm struggling to understand what it is I need to learn from all this pain, since I have no threshold for pain whatsoever and I have a terrible fear of hospitals and now I'm stuck in a situation where I get stabbed, poisoned and scared every week. But while I try to understand what all of this is teaching me I'm holding on to all the blessings this situation created.

For starters I got to learn a lot about alternative treatments and I experienced them first hand so I can be of help to others looking at that path. Actually, my first huge blessing is my mom and how not only has she not left my side throughout all of this, but how she has fought for me when I was unconscious so no one would torture me beyond what was the most absolutely necessary.

Before I was in the hospital throughout the year I received the most magnificent amount of letters from the iggles at Geek Girl Pen Pals. Some from my pen pals a lot from others that just wanted to send good wishes. The amount of support I received from the iggle community was overwhelming and I'm forever grateful for their generosity and good will. They were days when a happy letter was all the kept me going. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

Another huge blessing was having friends and family come to our rescue, especially my mom's. I saw a side of my best guy friend I had never seen before, it was the side I had always dreamed of but thought didn't exist ❤️. He made his week here all about getting me better and we managed to have fun despite my weakness.

My best friend from HS stayed here for 3 weeks helping my mom with everything, which was a huge relief and so good for me and our friendship as we drew closer during everything I went through at the hospital. And family members that had never come before up north came to help my mom out while I was at the hospital. And last but maybe as important as my mom, one of my uncles has been the most generous soul ever, showering me with gifts and taking care of both me and my mom, coming every month of 2018 to make sure we had all that we needed. He and my mom have been my biggest angels on Earth.

Also the amount of people know and unknown that had send prayers, good wishes, pixie dust, good vibes, etc our way has been overwhelming and I cannot be grateful enough to each of you that has sent a letter or a prayer. Thank you will never be enough but know that my hear swells in gratefulness and love for each and every one of you.

I hope I can update you more often while I still walk this path and learn the lesson. And hopefully I can soon be back on track on fun adventures to fuel my art and produce new images. In the meantime you might see more experimental, digital art and sketches as well as new editions to old photos on my insta. Just trying to get ready for when my life happens through the travels that shape me.

Love and Light to all.

Letting Go is Not Giving Up, Settling is Not Letting Go

This post was inspired by a recent conversation I had with a close friend about learning to let go and trust that we won’t end up settling.At the moment of our conversation I said what came to my mind trying to bring some perspective and bounce off ideas of each other. However, as the hours passed and I got into a more meditative state where I could clearly hear my thoughts and listen to my Higher Self and my Guides more, things kept popping up for me as well as the need to write them.

We all hear about "letting go" and it is true that in some cases doing that feels like giving up, which is definitely not the same thing! But settling for something that seems ok, or is what everyone tells us to do/be is not trusting and letting go either.Most of us have heard that life isn't easy, that you have to work hard for what you want, that everyone has to grow up at some point, that we all have to do things we don't like because that's what life is, etc… Lies! All lies! That's the illusion and the fear talking, don't give into that. The system is broken and in serious need of a reboot, the only way to do that is by being your higher, most authentic self and allow yourself to go for what makes you really happy. Most people in the system eventually get tired of seemingly going against the current by pursuing childhood dreams and they settle, they get a job and find some romantic partner to get entangled with and accept that that's their "fate" ‘cuz everyone else is doing it. Most people are not truly happy, deep, deep down there's a voice screaming at them, letting them know it's not right but they drown it with substances like alcohol or mindless activities and think that's the highest level of happiness they can get. Others are so good at lying to themselves that genuinely feel they haven't settled even when the Universe keeps yelling at them and throwing curveballs their way (in the form of “random accidents, health issues or bad luck”) to wake up and change courses before it's too late. Still, even when not really happy and fulfilled people hold on tight to their fears, prejudices and judgements, not letting life happen for fear of the unknown. Life is really not meant to be hard or complicated and we didn't come here to suffer, work or be what everyone else wants us to be. We came here to break away from the duality, learn to be love for ourselves and others and just enjoy what is like to have a physical form, without unhealthy attachments and entanglements!

From my level of understanding and how I experienced them all here’s how I see the difference between fighting against, giving up, settling and letting go:

-Fighting against life, is when you put yourself in victim mode, trying with all your might to go against the current unwilling to accept your responsibility as co-creator of your reality and not realizing you manifested your current situation. It is being unwilling to learn the lessons and see the beauty of what you have and therefore being unwilling to make the best with what is being presented to you at the moment to bring forth the outcome you actually want. If we were in an ocean here’s where we kick and scream in a frenzy making our situation worst and we choke on salt water.

-Giving up, just as fighting, is rooted in fear. Giving up usually comes from being exhausted of fighting too much and you end up in a hopeless place where you can’t hear the Universe at all and are unwilling to even put a positive thought forward on your behalf. Instead of realizing we can float or swim with a purpose we begin to drown and let it happen.

-Settling happens again, when we take a lack of responsibility as co-creators of our reality. Being unwilling to believe or unaware of your own powers of manifestation you create a lack of trust. So you don’t really want to drown, but you are believing the lies that life is hard and no one is truly happy, and as you look around your ocean you see people drowning or half drowned and figure “you know? Who cares if I had dreams of something better or if I deserve something nicer than a large piece of rotting driftwood? At least I’m in the same shape or better off than everyone around me”. Settling is loving yourself barely enough to keep yourself afloat, but not enough to go after the things your heart and soul really want. Settling is easy to fall into because it requires very little responsibility and effort on our part.

-Letting Go on the other hand is rooted in Love, Light and Trust. It’s realizing that you’re caught in the tide and even though it is scary at times and everyone around you is madly scrambling for each other or every piece of ugly driftwood and screaming at you to do the same you don’t. You trust that the ocean will keep you buoyant, you let go of people’s expectations of you and of your own preconceptions and float. Letting go it’s smoothly floating knowing that the current will lead you to an amazing place and you don’t have to waste your energy kicking and screaming to get there or avoid it because that’s where you’re meant to go anyway. And in the process you can enjoy the water and the pretty fish and learn from obstacles that might come your way making you stronger and wiser by the time you reach your paradise so you’re ready to enjoy it. 

The best personal example I can give is of the time I had cancer. When you hear you only have 2 days to live it’s a pretty shocking situation and it’s easy to be swept away by fear and listen to the lies (note that I'm not saying people lie on purpose, they are surrounded by so much fear and a mentality of lack that they truly believe all the negativity) of society, and in this case health professionals. But once the shock passed and I committed to stay on the planet, things (physical pain aside) were not that bad. If I had given up I would have died 2 days later and that would have been it. I could have fought my situation and cry all day feeling sorry for myself and complaining about how unfair it was and blame everything but myself and refuse to accept the lessons and blessings that came with it. (You can read all about those here.) I had little energy in those days and wasting it fighting against my condition would not have made me healthier so why even bother? The next option would have been to settle. “Oh this is my life and I’ll go along with what the doctors say, even if my intuition tells me otherwise, and I’ll accept that at least for the next 5 years this will be my life in and out of hospitals.” That would have been awful, who wants that? And yet, lots of people choose that. It's all a matter of choice.
I Instead let go of people’s opinions, fears from others and my own, as well as any need to control life. I peacefully floated, and yes chemo and hospitals were my reality at the moment, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t spend my time making plans with my family about trips we would take when I felt ok, nor did that reality stopped me from taking online classes from the chemo chair to better myself and to actually feel happy; I had new camera equipment I was dying to try out and kept focusing on the times when I would be out of the cancer center and strong enough to lug my camera around again. I let go of doctors opinions and prognosis and lived day by day letting go of expectations of the future but also kept showing the universe what I really wanted. 

I guess in the end letting go just means let go of the ego so you can trust and listen to your intuition and no one else. Let go of expectations and time lines but never of dreams and expectancy of something good or better coming your way.

Here are some other examples that kept coming to mind:

When I was going through chemo my mom slipped on ice and had a triple fracture on her left foot. People immediately went to "that's terrible luck, those poor people,” but in fact it was perfectly meant to be. It was something serious and painful enough to get my mom's attention to slow down and take care of herself and not just me before her health was seriously jeopardized, but it wan't bad enough that we were helpless. It was her left food which even meant she could keep driving me to the doctor! If she had listened to the "bad luck" believers she could easily had given up and wallow and make things harder for both of us, she could also have settled for "this is my lot in life and bad things happen for no reason and who knows if my foot will fully heal.” Or she could let go of her need to control everything and listen to the lesson. It was hard for her to do, especially with everything that was happening but she got there, she didn't believe the lies out of fear of age, life's suffering or bad luck, she also didn't fight against life she let go and now we're both perfect!

Now talking about recent events, a few weeks ago I was in a situation where I kept fighting for a specific outcome. I kept investing all this energy into something I thought I really wanted even though I was miserable doing so. I got so tired once I realized that I had been fighting for it for years and getting nowhere that I decided to give up. 

I was so tired and hurt and angry and fearful of other alternatives that I decided I was giving up for good this time, and if that hurt my future self or threw away all the good from the past then so be it! I just wanted to be free. 

I was in this process of trying to give up from a lower vibrational place, which felt like ripping the proverbial bandaid, painful and slow as this particular bandaid seemed to be embedded in my skin, that I was blind and deaf to my Guides and Angels. Then somewhere along the miserable process of drowning I got this beautiful lesson of "Whatever you're ready for is ready for you.” Which means that if something isn't happening how you want it to, it's probably because a part of us isn't ready for it!

Immediately my mindset shifted, I got a sense of peace as understanding dawned on me, it wasn't a new understanding just something I had forgotten but still felt like I had just discovered Light. If something's meant to be it will be no matter how much I struggle towards it or against it, if it's not meant to be, then there's a reason for that and my struggles won't matter there either.

If I'm not ready for the outcome I thought I wanted I can't force it, the best thing to do is let go of all these preconceptions in my mind, let go of my need to control the big picture I have no way of seeing from my human perspective, and trust that the Universe knows what it's doing. Settling for less than I wanted as long as it was loosely related to my desired outcome even though it's not truly making me happy, and on the contrary is really hurting me, is not an option, but giving up on everything is not an option either. Letting go, knowing that things will be what they are meant to be, in their right time and when I'm ready is by far the best choice and the one that is peaceful and full of Light.

On the other hand I have (or had?) A dear friend who seems to have been worn down by family and society's expectations. She's always putting others first instead of herself, which is a sign of the beautiful, generous person she is inside but also of her lower self-esteem, and she now settled into a relationship her family approved of. Since things got more serious between her and this person a string of "bad luck" keeps happening to her. Of course, as co-creators of our own life there's no such thing as bad luck. Everything that happens is FOR us not TO us, the trick is to stop and really listen to the signs. She hasn't and though she claims to be really happy, from the outside it doesn't look like it and more signs keep being thrown at her by the Universe that keep being ignored. She didn't let go and didn't trust she deserved and could do better, she gave up on finding a better spot for herself in the world and settled. And not only does she seem to be unknowingly trapped in this situation, these signs from the Universe are not fun to go through if you don't listen and have brought her a lot of stress, lack of abundance and worse yet, physical and emotional pain.

So don’t fight life, but don’t settle either. It’s never too late to switch things completely, and life isn’t hard. Even simple things like visualization or constantly talking about your new passion is telling the Universe in a positive and affirmative tone where you want to go and what you want to do. Put your best intentions forward and don’t limit yourself to “I have to pay the bills” or “my parents want me to be a doctor” or “everyone is getting married so I must too.” Go for the dreams and life missions your soul and your inner or past child told you to go for. It requires a lot of courage sometimes to ignore programing that has been there for generations but be brave and figure out which "ocean wave" will probably take you closer to your highest dreams and then just float... Life is easy if you let it and it doesn’t have to be less than you deserve. Enjoy your life, live in the moment, never settle no matter what people tell you but don't give up either, letting go doesn't mean you don't pursue your dreams it just means you trust you deserve them and the Universe knows the best way to get you to them. 😉

All Images are property of Elizabeth Harper from Sealed with Love

Life in Between Adventures

Wow June already! How can that be? Anyway, now that my big trip recaps are done, I can move on to "real life."
This half of the year has gone by so fast! And so much amongst nothingness has happened...
For weeks and weeks after the trip I felt like all I was doing was playing catch up with life that kept going on in town as I was, well, not in town. But at the same time it's almost as if all my mad scrambling made my perception of time stand still, February 6 was my January 1st ,so I kept thinking I had more time to do things or that it was earlier in the year than it actually was. I kinda still feel that way, especially with the crazy weather we've been having. Weather up until May 31 was very early April, cold and wet, not May at all! Which only helped reinforced my non-calendar perception of time and whenever I look at the "label" of the month I still freak out.
After realizing how much time I had "less," I started getting this feeling that lasted a long time, like I was floundering. I had taken time off school, I am in between galleries, I have no real social life at the moment, I haven't created much for my stores and I'm even behind on my reading challenge, granted that is because I couldn't do a lot of these things while traveling but still, floundering!

                                                I kept going from this -----------------------------------> to this! 

But then it recently dawn on me, all that external "nothingness," or rather, stillness was because I needed that time to myself because a lot of things were happening inside. When life is too crazy we barely give ourselves permission to stop and process all of our emotions. Sometimes we think we're ok or make ourselves believe we've grieved a loss enough and try to move on without truly processing. We fill our calendars and planners and are always looking at tomorrow but we're hardly ever in the today. Living in the present moment was one of the biggest lessons I got from my whole cancer experience and I cannot afford to forget those valuable lessons.
Most of the times when we don't have time to decompress, process, learn and seriously look inside ourselves at what is working and what isn't, it comes back to bite us in the butt. After all, about 90% of all physical ailments are emotional.
So sometimes floundering and being a hermit is more than ok. Sometimes it is necessary to go back to those times when we answered "nothing" to the question "what are you doing?" and actually meant it.

My time of doing nothing matched perfectly with the season and it is a beautiful energetic synchronicity. With the Winter solstice our energies shift from outward to inward, it is the time to "hibernate," take it slow, be by ourselves and look into our shadow self so we can heal it and let the Light of Spring in! Half of this energetic time I spent on a long crazy fun adventure, which makes sense that the Universe will then make up for it by making it stretch into Spring, especially since it's been a very cold, gray Spring. The outside world always reflects our inside one.

My biggest call of attention that I should be focusing inwards was by developing some weird pox-looking hives we couldn't figure out the reason for. But that forced me to look at my whole  emotional and energetic state at the time. Hives among other things develop out of an abandonment-anxiety or a feeling of being treated poorly and unjustly that is not corrected because of a fear of loss. Perfectly enough the first hives developed right on my birthday. How amazing is that? A new cycle of existence was starting and my own body did not permit me to drag stuff from the past into it, it forced me to look into things, bring them to the Light and start healing from the source even though it was a couple months of hard work and a maddening itch. One of the biggest things the hives, along with other minor health symptoms I've had throughout these months, have helped me find, was a very painful relationship that was/is still hurting me. I thought I had mourned it years ago but turns out I just got used to living with the pain, digging deep enough I found I'm still as hurt as I was the first day, so I've been working on healing all those aspects of myself. Allergies were also very present during these times and those are usually a manifestation of some suppressed grief, so I've been working on letting those feelings out, of actually feeling these waves of emotions and rolling with it as well as cleansing and detoxing both physically and energetically. Things we keep in the shadows for long were there for a reason and making sure we are taking care of ourselves as they are dredged up it's super important to make sure they don't get re-stuck on our systems.

Throughout this process I  also got more clarity on what I want out of friendships, out of school and even out of my e-stores.
I've been learning to talk more clearly with the Universe to co-create the things I really want, I've been learning to reshape my words to always attract and leave positivity, though that one is more of a challenge, I've been learning to communicate better with my body and practice self love, which is extremely hard for me, and I've been learning to enjoy the nothingness.
When people ask you what you do and you don't immediately answer with school or a job, preferably one you don't like, people always say "oh so you don't do anything," and you know what? Even if that was the case, then good for you! There's nothing wrong with not doing anything and letting the Universe and the Light fill you up and take care of you, but working on yourself, trying to raise your vibration, making yourself healthier and therefore bringing all those close to you higher on the vibrational scale along with you is a full time job, it requires a lot on your part and it is a lot of the times a lot more important than being in sync with the system...

Another thing I got clarity on was where I want my art to go, I got a new gallery offer (more on that later) but more importantly as I floundered and drifted I found several photo contests I applied to, a couple with the WWF and Nat Geo and doing this not only helped me practice opening up to receiving abundance but also clicked with a part of me that had been ignored for the longest time. When I was little I used to draw cards and "buttons" with animals on them and sell them out of my garage to people passing by to be able to donate to the WWF, Greenpeace and other legit organizations that are helping animals. Conservation is HUGE to me and I kinda put it on the back burner to pursue a more "selfish" art for years. Which is ok, everything has a reason and a purpose but now I'm ready to return to my entrepreneurial 5 year old. I have some good ideas I hope to put into practice on the second half of the year to work more with and for endangered species and help animals closer to home as well 😃
I'm so excited about it, because I've long felt that usually what we dreamt of as little kids holds the truth to what we should be doing always 😉

Lastly, here's a nice full-circle story and big news I'm leaving you with. When I first moved into the apartment I'm at now, I had a very good friend that was perfect for me. She is older so she was able to help me with adult things like grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. But not that much older that she didn't want to play with me. So when my mom wasn't in town, I always had someone around I could trust and she became my unofficial roommate as she spent 4 out of 7 days in my place at some point. We had the best of times, and she got to see the apartment in its early days. After she graduated college she moved away and we slowly lost touch, we saw each other twice in some years I can't even count with my lack of time awareness. We still had each other's numbers and would text to say hi every few months but we didn't seem to connect beyond that. When I got cancer she offered to come see me before the holidays but my mom was so overwhelmed with family coming and chemo appointments, etc. that we asked her if she could postpone her visit 'till January 2015. She couldn't make it then and stuff kept getting in the way until this February. We reconnected when I went to see her in Pittsburgh on the January-February road trip and we realized we have even more in common now than before!
And a couple weeks after my visit to her town she told me she would be visiting me to celebrate my birthday for a week! It was awesome, it's like time hadn't passed at all and we had the best of times again. And talking with her in my living room like old times, it clicked. It all made sense, the Universe kept throwing stuff in our way because it wasn't the time for her to come, she came when things became full circle. I moved here with her constant presence and support and now that I'm moving out she came to close this particular cycle of my life. My social life and the most insightful times in this apartment started and now ended with her 💜
So I'm moving!!! It's so bittersweet, things with the building's current managing company are horrible and we cannot keep living with them and I have also overgrown the space, but this is the place I've lived the longest in my entire life and I loooooove it. I do understand it is perfect timing though, that the Universe has allowed me all this time to flounder, introspect, let go of old wounds and people that no longer resonate, to release old baggage and come full circle to say goodbye in the best possible note to home so I can start fresh in a new place!

On to bigger and better things! A new chapter is coming and the calm before the storm is about to be over! Haha. I'm planing to continue living in Salem, I refuse to let my zip-code go unless I'm moving out of New England, I love my town and I want to continue to be a part of Witch City! But while the place I have in mind becomes available, I'm living in the moment and open to the millions of wondrous possibilities and probabilities the Universe has planned for me!

* I'm redirecting all my mail to my mom's just to be safe during this transition period. So if you're reading this and you're a pen pal then get at me on social media for the new address 🙂

(Very Belated) 2016 Recap

Coming to write a different post, I found I had this one in my drafts all ready to go but never got published. Wrote in on the go somewhere between Savannah and Cape Canaveral the day before I sailed on my New Year's cruise with my mom, but I lost access to the internet and then totally forgot abut it! Oops...Lol.
So here it is now with some minor editing, even though it is belated I hope you like it 😉

Despite what social media seemed to portray, 2016 was such a wonderful year for myself and most people I personally know, filled with love, new beginnings, adventures and learnings. It's been a year so full of life that it'll be hard to see it go but as I literally sail into the new adventure that 2017 will be I thought I'd share some highlights form 2016.

I started the year in the mountains, connecting with Nature and trying out new activities like Snow Shoeing! I also started my freshman year at the school of Earth Medicine and met a new friend at a Spiritual event in town, even though the friendship didn't last the entire year it was still a wonderful sign from the Universe that even though few, there are young people my age that have the same Spiritual approach to life 😊

In February I got my port removed finally closing the cancer/chemo cycle for good! The area hasn't totally healed yet but life is so much better without that metal and silicone pain device in my body! And to make it even better during my birthday celebration back in the mountains, I ran into my chemo  nurse so I was able to thank her and have a proper goodbye since I couldn't go back and see her at the hospital, as just driving by that place makes me nauseous. It was such a nice "full circle" kinda feeling.

March was the month I got represented by an art gallery in Manhattan! And a new chapter for my photography started 😀 I also got to meet new IGGPPC friends because of the club's birthday celebrations. Finally, by the end of the month and running into April, I got another mini-vacay to VT this time.

www.colibreephotogrart.com

April was great since it started on Spring break with one of my uncles, his whole family, my mom and I all together, so I got to play and catch up with my cousin before she finished her senior year of HS and moved to London! It was a very fun break for all of us to bond 💖

May was the calm before the storm, it was a lovely month to celebrate my mom's birthday and get a breather before everything that came with the second half of the year.

June meant the beginning of my summer classes and one of my cousin's destination wedding which not only turned into a hectic, 40hr getaway that was well worth it, as I got to see my siblings(cousins) and a few people I hadn't seen in years, but it turned out I could stay in Orlando on the way back and  see my bff as well as spend time in Disney with my strange-relationship person lol

July was a month of a lot of growth and adventure! Started in DisneyWorld and ended at a Roaring 20's party back home with an intense week of intuition classes on a retreat in upstate NY in the middle! This is where things started feeling like time was picking up speed and lessons were coming at me faster than I could process them! Who would have thought I could jump from 30ft high with just a tiny bar to hold on to?!

August was a trying month, it was so busy and I could not catch my breath but it had great lessons and opportunities for me to practice what I had learnt throughout the year so I'm putting it into the positive column as a month of growth.

September brought the last of my summer classes that despite me not liking them at all, they helped me decide on a lot of things for school on 2017, so they were really helpful after all, and the month also brought lots of beautiful photo opportunities as well as a new book club in town for all ages that meets in one of my favorite places around, a vegan bakery called Jodi Bee Bakes! So even though no new, local lasting friendships have been formed, the opportunity to have some energy exchange with new people has presented in the safest environment for me and I'm grateful for that.

October was Halloween month! That alone is the biggest highlight! Love, Love, Love. I also got some interesting, if painful life lessons that will help me grow stronger and energies shifted with Samhain :)

November, aside from Thanksgiving, had my first ever Manhattan art gallery show as its biggest highlight!

December was an ongoing lesson in Balance between my heart and head, and mind and body. Trying to finish everything I thought I needed to do before the end of the year and listening to my body's needs was tough. As well as trying to discern between all my jumbled thoughts and what really makes me happy. But of course it's biggest highlight was the last week of the month as I was road tripping down to Cape Canaveral! It was such a fun week and a great end of the year.

So, overall, even though like everything else the year had it's obstacles and at moments I felt a bit isolated and anti-social, I managed to see most of my entire blood-family, two out of three of the friends who are soul-family, did not quit on school which is huge for me, have worked on developing a more positive relationship with my body after all it's been through, got completely cleared of anything related to cancer, went on lots of adventures, and even though by the end of the year I was mostly just hanging with one single friend, she is so magical and fun and we get to be 5 and 6 y/o respectively that she is the right company. And before the trip, I did get to touch base and hang out with a few other friends so not bad at all.
The main lessons this past year seem to have been about Trust, Clearing the ego, Flexibility and Boundaries. I haven't "aced" them yet but at least I am aware of what I need to focus on resolving now.

So thank you 2016 for all your beautiful opportunities and lessons and thanks to all the cast of people in my life, whatever your soul contract is with me, whether we're still close or not, my year would not have been what it was if even one of you were missing.

Hope everyone had the best possible start to the new year! And now the most amazing first three months of 2017 💗

PS- Also it's been a great year for hair!! It started 2016 like on the left and now it's like on the right!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is here! After Halloween this is my favorite Holiday :D

It is sadly being overlooked more and more each year and I don't understand why. November's still 100% about Fall, the leaves are still beautiful colors, there's piles of them to jump in, it's not as cold as winter, and harvest is wrapping up while there's still a few more weeks left of the semester and over a month for the year to end. It's a beautiful time to be out and enjoy the crisp air and lovely colors and come together with loved ones to enjoy Thanksgiving as the only holiday of the month!

I love that there is a Holiday that has nothing to do with any religion at all and that is meant to bring people together in gratitude! Gratitude is one of the highest vibrational frequencies there are in the Universe, we should hold this energy every single day, but we all tend to forget. However, we have one day a year when we're reminded to stop and think about what we are thankful for and even if it's just one country for one day, if you really come to the table and hold the intention of gratitude, it elevates the entire planet's vibration to a higher, more peaceful state. It is beautiful and since it is religion free it's the one Holiday that focuses on unity and oneness instead of the illusion of separation.

Thanksgiving is also a lovely holiday since it's not centered around gifts. It hasn't been commercialized yet and therefore not ruined, except for Black Friday but that doesn't really count, at least I don't count it. Sadly, because actual Thanksgiving day hasn't been commercialized more and more people ignore it and start celebrating a single religion's Winter holiday halfway through October!! This drives me insane, why not live in the present and enjoy every second instead of trying to push time forward and have it be the last week of the year already?! And what's worst is that they encroach on other Holidays so much and take over everything so early, that by the time the Winter Holidays do arrive, it feels overdone, over commercial and not special at all :( . Instead of ruining two or more Holidays at once and focus on the material goods we should all give time to enjoy the beauties of each month and Holiday and be grateful for the present moment. 

This year has seemed particularly bad about skipping over Fall and on to the next thing, because even in high school, much worse everyone beyond that, people are upset about politics and so they seem to throw themselves harder at something that might distract them like gifts and drinks depending on their age. But since this is a time for Gratitude, despite what is going on in the world this is what I am grateful for:

Have a roof over my head, a bed, blankets, etc.

Have healthy food and water available

Have indoor plumbing

Have clothes, shoes and accessories

Have a TV (from which people are watching the things that upset them)

Have a conscious mind (which helps people vent and complain or decide to be happy)

Have access to internet and technology (from which people are venting and arguing or trying to spread Peace and love)

Have an able body to enjoy the things mentioned above

Have people I care about with whom to argue, disagree or lecture, etc. And to love and enjoy life with

If you have all of the above as well, I invite you to shift your perspective starting today and realize we have more to give thanks to, than a lot of people in the world, and even though it sounds impossible, just by being grateful about these things you help those who haven't tapped into their abundance. 

If you lack any of the above, then you have bigger issues than to worry about what might or might not happen in the world of politics or holidays and I am sending higher energy to you so you find your way to much better things and have all your needs met through gratitude <3

I am very blessed and have many, many more things to be grateful for and do not take any of it for granted, from the fact that I can breath and hold my arms above my head to the fact I have a Wii U and loads of stationary to write to friends with and everything in between. A day to hold the energy of gratitude is so needed for our world right now and should not be overlooked. 

Hope you all have the most amazing Thanksgiving yet, and have an infinite amount of things to be grateful for.  And now, I'm off to have a wonderful vegan dinner, because cruelty-free foods and happier, freer animals are things I'm deeply thankful for as well :)

Love and Light

Heartbreak is Just Another Tool to be Better

At the beginning of the month I felt heartbroken by a bad let down and the absence of a certain person I was expecting to see for Halloween. After my initial reaction (pain and anger,) I realized I was tired of feeling this way. The pain was too familiar and after years of living with these disappointments, I think it’s time to end the vicious cycle. 

It’s so easy to get swept up in the currents of our lives and just react to what is happening as if it is being done TO us instead of FOR us, and I went with it for years but it just finally clicked. Except for those times when people pass away and we can’t help but miss them, all other forms of heartbreak have a lesson there. All this pain cannot be just because the Universe is against me or life hates me or a certain person is an insensitive, oblivious, emotional unavailable jerk! I mean, people might very well be all that, but the Universe is constantly conspiring in our favor and life is nothing more and nothing else than what we make of it, what we will it to be. And if I also remember that whatever a person does or says it’s a reflection of them and only them nothing to do with me, and everything I say or do and feel is a reflection of me ,then this situation should be fixable by me alone. 

So I decided to analyze why this pattern is so hurtful. Why does it always break my heart? What triggers me the most about these situations? And here’s a short list of what I’ve come up with in no particular order:

I’m never a priority

The person’s never here when I need them the most

Has no follow through

Cannot count on their word

Always has an excuse 

Takes no responsibility for their choices, at least regarding me

Blames life for how things work out

Says they want things they never work to get

Takes me for granted

Come and go as they please

Is emotionally unavailable

Never realizes how much they hurt me

Does not take my feelings into consideration

Disregards my time

Now that that is out of my system (and not saying that it hurts any less,) I can try to examine it more rationally and realize that a lot of what bothers me is a mirror of myself. I have put myself in situations where I’m not a priority even to myself. I have been guilty of taking the fact that I have an able body, my health, my 5 senses and some of the people that love me the most for granted. I have at least in the past, not taken responsibility whatsoever for my actions and choices and have blamed the entire Universe for things too. All these things might be so hurtful because a part of me recognizes them as pieces of my shadow self that haven’t been yet healed. 

Some other things on the list might be triggering the other side of the coin, they hurt not because they resonate with my shadow self, but because they’re supposed to. Without that pain I wouldn’t notice anything was wrong and I then wouldn’t strive to learn the lessons, to change things! 

I’ve heard we have no friends only teachers, which means that good or bad everything we experience because of others is something we can learn from. I also recently read that living with a soulmate is too painful, since they’re not here to complement us and make us happy in a romantic fantasy. They’re here to reflect back to us our flaws and broken pieces, to stir up the deepest shadows in us, the ones that hurt the most so we can face them and heal them. My heartbreak is just a tool, a way for me to know I’m alive and point to the things I have to work on.

My latest disappointment with this particular “teacher” happened earlier in the month, but it’s just the most recent out of years of going through a vicious cycle. Repetitive things like that in life almost always mean an unlearned lesson. It is something our soul in its infinite wisdom has called for and, instead of tackling it, learning what we need from it and moving on, we tend to just react, let ego take over and ignore what we could learn, so it keeps coming back again and again. 

I still haven’t found the lesson, but I know it’s important. The Universe is loudly letting me know I need to learn this now as it is happening again with my family not showing up for either my gallery show in a couple of weeks nor for the Holidays. Part of my vicious cycle when these things happen is to try to ignore it, put on a happy face and keep going. Halloween is such a fun, eventful and magical time of the year that it helped me not think about it, but the fact that life brought three almost identical situations, with very different people under very different circumstances makes me think that A) Being without a social or physically close family network is important right now for me and B) It is time I pay attention to these feelings and clear whatever it is I need to clear so it won’t happen again. 

It’s time for me to focus inward and stop trying to figure out what these other people are feeling or going through, whatever it is it is not about me, they’re lack of presence or commitment is not personal and I need to heal and learn for myself so I can move on to newer, hopefully less sad-feeling lessons…

All images come from Elizabeth Harper's Sealed with Love FB page

Trust

Hello everyone! Sorry I didn’t get to post sooner! July was incredibly busy and amazing!! Beyond any predictions I could have had and was so packed with different adventures, that I'm sure when I look back at it in years, it’ll probably make the list of one of the best summer months ever! But it wasn’t without its challenges, and the one lesson that kept up coming was TRUST. Which was very insightful since I thought my only predominantly recurrent lesson was patience haha.

Here's how the lesson presented itself in different forms through out my main adventures:

I started the month still at DisneyWorld with one of the most important members of my soul-family having a blast. But throughout our week of fun we had some communication issues and a recurrent theme of lack of trust, especially me towards him. We talked some issues through where he did mention I never trust him but we brushed most things under the rug so as to focus only on the fun. But as the time came to say goodbye I couldn’t help that familiar fear of the unknown from creeping into my heart. When were we gonna see each other again? Would he keep his word of not disappearing? What if the distance became too much to bare? Etc... These questions have always been there haunting me for years, but it wasn’t until this month that it clicked how much it is connected to trust issues! I need to learn to trust that it will all work out and that he will keep his word. Ghaa!! So hard! LOL

The second week of July I had to leave for a class field- trip to CT for a Native American museum. This is only about 2-3 hrs from my place and was supposed to be a one day thing. But the meeting point for my class was super far from me and I would have had to wake up dangerously (for me) early, so my mom decided to get us a room in the area and turn my class into a 2.5 days mini-adventure. Never being one to pass a trip of any kind I jumped on board knowing it was mostly about class and not driving without sleep. I'm still forever grateful and I'm SO lucky! Because as it turned out the class ended up being a bust :-/ The teacher was over an hour late! The whole group was already there but we couldn’t get in without our teacher since he had the tickets and group reservation. I then ended starving because as I was going to get a snack while we waited, our teacher showed up and decided to rush us so we could make it to an awesome-sounding seminar, but he got side-tracked, talked about things we had already covered in class and we missed the seminar and the local Tribe Chief cancelled on the rest of our activities because she was sick. At the end our trip only consisted of waiting outside the building and then wandering through certain areas of the museum :/ I was so upset at first and forgot again to TRUST the Universe to have my back. Thanks to this failed class trip, I got a super fun weekend away with my mom and because the class was a bust we were done earlier so I had more time to go out and take pictures which is my main art medium so yay! It was all for a reason, sometimes I still forget…

A week after that I went to a week-long retreat in upstate NY for intensive classes on Intuition and healing. And what’s the key source to develop those intuitive gifts? Thats right trust!! Every time during class I dismissed something or thought I had made it up and doubted my abilities I got things wrong (usually the thing I dismissed was the right answer,) but when I just went with it and removed the fear of looking stupid, I did excellent! That’s when I started to hear the Universe’s shouts for me to just trust, trust, trust! 

To make the lesson even clearer for me I got a chance to learn how to fly in a trapeze, and let me tell you it was the most absolutely horrifying thing I’ve ever done voluntarily! But I HAD to do it to get those pictures of a new experience hehe. Even though while I was up high leaning over the edge I truly regretted it. The whole thing was a giant trust-exercise. You have to trust that the people holding on to the ropes of the harness are not gonna let go, you have to trust your body will have the strength and balance to climb a 30ft high, rickety ladder; once you’re up you have to lean your entire weight out of the platform and trust the person behind you pushing your hips further forward really has you and can hold your weight, then you have to grab the bar and jump off into thin air, and to get down you simply let go of the bar trusting everything will be ok!! It’s super scary and like a girl there said on her first try “It just doesn’t seem natural to just let go and jump at the nothingness beneath you.” And it so doesn’t! But if that doesn’t show you to trust I don’t know what will. 

Apparently I only listen to what the Universe is trying to teach me through travel and crazy experiences :P But hey! How awesome is it that less than two years ago the doctors said I did not have more than two days to live and now I’m swinging on a trapeze?!

I’m still struggling with this lesson, I’ve heard it and I’m processing but bad habits are hard to break lol. When it hits me that my true, close, local friends are down to one it’s hard to trust more are on the way since I’m such an introvert, it’s hard to trust my body is working for me and will release all the chemo weight on bad days when I can’t find anything to wear, it’s hard to trust things will work out with a certain someone when he just goes MIA for weeks at a time! It’s hard to trust the Universe’s plans when I get a red light for submitting my art to certain things I’m excited about and pushed to finish projects that are overwhelming and yet I can feel that if I just let go and trust things will just fall not place, I wonder why it’s so hard?

And what could've triggered this lack of trust, maybe it's always been there hidden from the conscious mind and it's now being brought to the Light to be healed... I guess it's time for me to keep practicing jumping off the trapeze platform, how about you? <3

Image from Elizabeth Harper's Sealedwithlove.com